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A man was playing golf one day and he hit his ball deep into the rough. As he was searching for his ball he happened to find a bottle laying in the grass and when he picked it up, a great genie appeared. "This is terrific," the man said. "Does this mean that I get three wishes granted?" he inquired. "Yes," replied the genie, "But be careful, for whatever you wish, your wife will get ten times greater." So, the man thought and he finally said, "Make me the best golfer at the club." The genie told him, "You will be the best male golfer at the club, but your wife will be ten times better." "Okay," he said, "Give me a million dollars." The genie replied, "It is granted, but your wife now has ten million dollars." The genie said, "You have only one wish left, so use it wisely." And the man replied, "Give me a slight heart attack."

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench >rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?" The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right." The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

Fred, playing as a single at St Andrews was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."

Bill and Ralph, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and "play it as it lays" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. They drive up for the second shot, and the Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach. But Ralph slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole. "Guess I get a free drop from the cart path," he says. "Oh no," says Bill, "We agreed. Play it as it lays." So Ralph drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin. Ralph drives back to the green. Bill says, "Great shot back there! What club did you use?" Ralph responds, "Your six iron."

Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other, " My game is so bad this year I had to have my ball retriever regripped !"

What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm? Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

Two long time golf enthusiasts were discussing their scores over a beer in the clubhouse. "I can't understand it", one said disgustingly. "I've been playing this darn game for fifteen years now and I get worse and worse every year. Do you know last year I played worse than the year before, and the year before that, the same thing" "That's depressing" commiserated the other, "How are you doing this year?" "Put it this way", said the first unhappily, "I'm already playing next years game!"

Bill and Ralph, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and "play it as it lays" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. They drive up for the second shot, and the Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach. But Ralph slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole. "Guess I get a free drop from the cart path," he says. "Oh no," says Bill, "We agreed. Play it as it lays." So Ralph drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin. Ralph drives back to the green. Bill says, "Great shot back there! What club did you use?" Ralph responds, "Your six iron."

Scratch Golfer Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?" "Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

One Sunday a usually happy weeked golfer came home from the game very late, and much the worse for wear. 'Dear' wife greeted him at the door and demanded "Where the hell have you been and what have you been doing?" The husband wobbled around of slurred "Had a bad game, sort of lost everything...you had better pack some bags, I even lost you". The wife screamed "How could you do that?", the man replied "It wasn't easy, I had to miss 3 one foot putts in the last 4 holes"

The Laws Of Golfing LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe. LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man. LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls. LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you? LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse. LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination. LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three) LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker." LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month. LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

Bill, Ralph, and Fred gathered for a round of golf on Mother's Day. The men were quite surprised at being "let go" for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife. Fred said, "I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go." Ralph said, "I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go." Bill said, "I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her: `Golf course or inter-course,' and she said: 'I'll put your clubs in the car'."

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!" "What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. "Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

18 REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX 18 - You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house. 17 - If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique. 16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about golf. 15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous. 14 - Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with. 13 - It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger. 12 - When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together. 11 - If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else. 10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself. 9 - When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop. 8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff. 7 - You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite coworkers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment. 6 - There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease. 5 - If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel. 4 - Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life. 3 - Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game. 2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf. 1 - Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"

Missed There is a guy who is playing golf with a priest. While they are on the 10th green the guy misses a three foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him not to use vulgar language on the golf course. Then on the next hole the guy misses a two foot putt and says again, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him that if he continues to use vulgar language on the golf course, he will have God strike him down with lightning and kill him. Then on the next hole he misses a one foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed." All of a sudden a tremendous bolt of lightning comes down and kills the priest! Immediately after, a voice comes out of the clouds and says, "God dammit, I missed."

I did all of that? After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

Old Timer Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?" Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree." Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree. Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."

Friends Joe and Nick head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Joe offers Nick, "let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $20 on the lowest score for the day." Nick agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Nick is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Joe. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Nick pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly. Joe looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly twenty bucks?!?" "What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!" "And a liar, too!!!" Joe says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

This is my first golf lesson The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Someone died playing golf Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

Blonde Golfer A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?" "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

What will you do for golf? Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued: First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."

True Confessions Of A Golfer A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" the priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible." "When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest. "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the priest again. "Well, no," said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed priest. "No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." "You missed the %#$*& putt, didn't you?" sighed the priest.

The Devil And The Golfer A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle. Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

Slow golfers are ahead of us Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around. Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

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